What to do when your spouse is struggling at work.

(By Guest Columnist Anne L. Mage)

My husband, Gene, asked if I wanted to write this week’s article. My first response was, “no”, but then I realized I had something to share from the perspective of the spouse whose husband or wife might be struggling at work. Difficulties on the job tend to spill over into the home and life can become less than joyous. Here are 5 tips on keeping your head above water.

1. Be supportive but not codependent. It is very easy to feed your spouse’s frustrations when your loved one comes home. Your inclination may be to get mad and frustrated right along with your spouse. While it is important to be supportive and empathetic, it is neither helpful nor healthy to “stoke the fire”. It may seem that you are being a good husband or wife, but in reality all you are doing is allowing your mate to become more entrenched in those negative feelings. Instead, try to listen carefully, repeat back to him or her what was just said, and let the problems come out in a supportive environment.

2. Don’t try to solve the problem. This has been a tough lesson for me. I always want to come up with the quick solution, and then be on my way. That is not what my husband needs. He needs time, a listening ear, and a non-judgmental wife. Many times he is able to see a solution or a way out of a problem without me jumping in with a quick answer.

3. Don’t take on the problems as your own. When your spouse is burdened with job difficulties, it is very easy for you to get down too. While it is difficult to keep your “emotional distance”, taking on his or her troubles will weigh you down and you won’t be able to be the support that your mate needs. You have to continue to live your life in the midst of the hard times. You have to find joy and meaning in your life. Make sure that you have outside activities that you enjoy, be it reading, crafts, exercise, sports, cars, whatever. When the stress seems almost palpable, get out and do something. Maintain your emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental health during anxious times.

4. Develop a support group. Friends are especially necessary when home life gets bogged down by job-related frustrations. While you don’t want to air your “dirty laundry” in front of others, having people close to you provides you with a much-needed lift. Talking to others who are similar situations or who have dealt with comparable issues opens up a new perspective on how to handle your husband or wife. It tends to be easier for women than for men, but everyone needs close companions.
   
   Women, you need to stick to female friends, and men to your male friends. If you’re feeling vulnerable, do not complicate the situation with an unhealthy relationship with the opposite sex. Get involved with a bible study, small group, exercise group, support group, reading group, or check out a local church.
   
   
5. Pray. Though I saved the most powerful resource for last, I have learned to take my problems to God first. Prayer gives me strength to cope and be a support. A powerful book to read on this subject is “The Power of a Praying Wife”, by Stormie Omartian. The book showed me ways to pray for my husband in all aspects of his life. My experience has been that prayer really does change things.

Every family experiences work and family challenges. But you do not have to be a victim of your circumstances. You can choose your attitude. You can also choose to use the resources at hand rather than succumb to the negative emotions which can overwhelm you when your spouse is struggling at work. You are not alone. You can do it!

Anne L. Mage is the wife of syndicated columnist Gene C. Mage. Gene is author of the book Managing for High Performance. Send Gene (or Anne) questions at www.makingitwork.com.