How to deal with workplace conflict

Gene Mage

How many of you wake up in the morning and say to yourself, “I’m excited about going into work today to deal with a workplace conflict.”? Most of us would rather do something, anything, other than have to mediate some sandlot spat between two employees who are acting like kindergarteners fighting over a crayon.

But conflict is normal, natural, and expected whenever we bring people together. Conflict occurs whenever individuals come together with differing needs, perspectives, and approaches. And not all conflict is bad.

Indeed, healthy conflict occurs when individuals come together with an attitude of mutual respect to hash out differences of opinion or fuzzy boundaries. But when people feel as thought their needs are somehow unmet, their boundaries violated, or their personhood disrespected, they will begin to act in self-protective ways. Unfortunately, these defensive behaviors are often destructive to individuals and teams.

As leaders, we are challenged to set the tone by modeling positive approaches to resolving conflicts and encouraging others to deal with conflict in healthy ways. Here are some ideas that will help you and your team deal with conflict effectively.

1. Choose effective approaches to conflict. Many leaders have been scripted through life experience to utilize ineffective conflict resolution strategies. Some tend to avoid conflict because of negative emotional associations. Avoidance shows up as “wishing and hoping” the problem will simply go away, or taking “side door” approaches such as gossip or negative politics.
   
   Still others take a “win at all costs” approach that takes scant account of the needs of others. Many people tend to capitulate to the demands of others to avoid “making waves.” Others settle for an unsatisfying compromise where both parties give up getting their needs met in order to reach agreement.
   
   These strategies share a common flaw; they leave the needs of someone unmet. Even victims, avoiders, and doormats eventually get fed up and find a way to even the score. When that happens, relationships suffer, and the work environment dissolves into a toxic morass of mistrust.
   
   Instead of using these ill-advised approaches, effective leaders engage in conflict situations by looking for mutually beneficial outcomes, what some call “win/win” or “collaborative” results.
   
   
2. Use dialog to resolve conflict. Whether you are going toe to toe with a peer or superior, or mediating a conflict between subordinates, the basic conversation does not change. To lead to a satisfying resolution, the dialog must contain certain key elements:
   
   

· Rapport. Skillful leaders seek to build trust and rapport before diving into the issues.

· Listening. Skillful leaders seek to fully understand the needs of others.

· Openness. Effective leaders are willing to talk about their own needs and share pertinent facts in order to find a solution.

· Creativity. Creative problem solvers ask “What if?” over and over. They are open to the idea of a solution beyond the bounds of their preconceived notions. From the creative process emerge “elegant solutions”, and “third ways” to solve vexing problems.

· Agreement. Leaders never let a conversation end without agreeing on specific action steps to get a problem solved.

· Caring. Great leaders never allow either party to leave a conversation feeling humiliated or “left hanging”. Those negative emotions always come back, as my colleague Ron says, “Bigger and uglier.”

3. Insist on open behaviors. If you ever get tired of employees coming to you with their petty squabbles, asking you to play King Solomon, take some action to put it to a stop. Start asking people to deal with each other directly, rather than depending upon you to resolve their issues for them. You may need to model effective conflict resolution skills in the mediator role at first, but after a while, they’ll get the hang of it. You can then ask your staff to find their own solutions. You are a leader, not a vending machine.

Syndicated columnist Gene C. Mage is author of the book Managing for High Performance. Visit www.makingitwork.com for the complete column archive.