Cooking up a more flavorful conversation

Cook up a more flavorful conversation

Gene Mage

I’m enjoying a delicious Greek salad, savoring the succulent sweetness of a cherry tomato offset by the salty counterpoint of feta cheese. Splashes of vinaigrette dance playfully across the mixed greens. I am mesmerized by the whole experience, working my fork through the olives and red onions with a level of concentration and flow more appropriate to tennis or brain surgery.

Looking up from the now empty bowl, I engage in conversation with my friend. We talk about what’s happening. We talk about how we are feeling. We talk about our dreams and fears and plans. Soon we lose all track of time until a gregarious waiter breaks our serenity.

Talk salad. Words and meaning, sending and receiving, content and emotion, tasks and relationships, all blend into one very tasty experience. Points become counterpoints. We enter into each other’s point of view.

Want to cook up a more flavorful conversation?

Begin with a fresh mindset. Nothing spoils our dialog faster than the wimpy, wilted lettuce of our own point of view. Freshen things up by stepping over into the fresh, crisp texture of someone else’s perspective. Ask yourself, “Where is this person coming from? What are they really saying? How are they feeling?” Try to take in all the flavors; enter into the other person’s experience.
Explore the mix of ingredients. Are you into fast food or fine dining? Are you a culinary critic or a gustatory adventurer? Critics scarcely enjoy a morsel as they evaluate the goodness or badness of everything. By contrast, the adventurer savors every bite, soaking in each new sensation. Ask questions. Get curious. Start paying attention to all the little nuances of body language, tone, words and meaning.
Keep your fork moving. Do you ever get so lost in an activity that you lose all track of time? That state, what researchers call “flow”, means full engagement. Tune out the distractions. When the conversation moves your direction, take your cue and carry it along. Summarize what you are hearing. Explore the full range of implications and meanings. Check-in to find out what your partner really means.
Balance the flavors. Raita, a cool yogurt and cucumber dressing, cools the fire of Indian curry. The juxtaposition of those opposing flavors makes the whole meal far more interesting. So serve some cheddar cheese and ice-cream with your warm crusty apple pie. Talk about emotions, not just content. Talk about relationships, not just flavorless tasks and goals. Dream big while you work out today’s to-do list.
End with something warm. Now a demitasse of espresso comes to the table. I feel the warmth moving through my body, satisfied after another wonderful dining experience. I pay the tab. I thank the staff. I drive home satisfied.

Learn to end your conversations well. I tell my students to always “Exit with warmth.” You remember the end of a conversation. You and your friend carry those feelings with you for hours, days, or weeks until you sit and talk again. End your conversations with words of appreciation. Let others know you value them. Thank them for taking the time to talk with you about something difficult; never make them regret bringing up a topic.

Never leave a conversation without some sort of closure. Make the dialog a satisfying experience by tying up loose ends, summarizing the key points, and agreeing on next steps. When something ends, it frees up our energy to start something else. We move from agreement to action, from a word of encouragement to a recommitment to redouble our efforts, from disquieting ambiguity to a much needed sense of closure. Avoid leaving someone hanging with a cruel, “Well, you had better think about that,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” As a leader, pick up the tab. Take full responsibility for making sure the dialog reaches a satisfying close.