Can we talk

Can we talk? Oh, grow up!

Gene Mage

I love the part of Joan River’s act when she delivers her signature laugh lines, “Can we talk?” and “Oh, grow up.” As with all quality humor, her words connect with something real in the lives of the audience. We know that we really ought to sit down and “talk” with key people in our lives, and far too many of us need to “grow up” when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

The more time I spend interacting with business leaders the more I am convinced how much River’s prescriptions ring true. Let’s look at how we can apply her two lines to the four important leadership tasks.

Interpersonal Relationships:

Can we talk? We can learn a lot about the emotional maturity of an individual by how well they build rapport and connection with others. Mature people learn to communicate openly. They connect well with others to get things done.
Oh, grow up! Babies communicate by crying and fussing and hoping someone will come and make them more comfortable. Unfortunately, some people never move out of babyhood. Adults learn to express their needs and influence others by talking and listening. Until individuals learn how to communicate in an “adult to adult” manner, they will be stuck in emotional babyhood.

Clarifying Boundaries:

Can we talk? Before we can exercise freedom and responsibility, we must first learn to respect boundaries. We learn that there are times to speak and times to remain silent. We learn that touching a hot stove hurts. By learning from others, and experimenting for ourselves, we discover the boundaries of life. Within those boundaries we can enjoy incredible freedom. Cross those boundaries and life becomes very hard indeed.
Oh, grow up! Children learn boundaries by listening, learning, and experiencing the natural consequences of their choices. We expect children to make mistakes and experience pain because that is how they learn. But we also expect, over time, that they will make better choices as they learn. Sadly, some children lack effective role models from which to listen and learn. Others are indulged and protected from the consequences of poor choices, and consequently repeat poor choices. When faulty beliefs are carried into adulthood, interpersonal chaos inevitably results. Immature adults create conflict and strife as surely as a toddlers throw tantrums.

Building Responsibility:

Can we talk? Once we learn to work within life’s boundaries, we can begin to grow in responsibility. Over time, as we try new things, and develop new skills, we become progressively more capable of dealing with the world. We learn to adapt to changes and challenges, while demonstrating our ability to make and keep promises to others.
Oh, grow up! Teenagers learn responsibility step by step. Learner’s permits become driver’s licenses. Twilight curfews become late night drives home from a part time job. We can stunt the growth process by doing things for teenagers they can do themselves. But unless we want to be a full-time chauffeur, we do well to let them learn to drive. In the workplace, we as leaders often end up being “chauffeurs” instead of leaders, because we spend time doing, instead of equipping, the people around us.

Creating Accountability:

Can we talk? If we are willing to make and keep promises, we must be willing to hold ourselves and others accountable for keeping our commitments. We hand in papers on time. We apologize when wrong. We accept criticism without getting defensive.
Oh, grow up! Immature people, who have not learned to hold themselves accountable, often do not appreciate others holding them to account either. In the workplace, defensiveness and sensitivity undermine the ability to get results and learn. By contrast, workers who willingly take responsibility are a breath of fresh air.

Recognize these “growing pains”? Perhaps the time has come to ask a few people, “Can we talk?” Through skillful leadership dialog, we can help people “Grow up!”

Syndicated Columnist Gene C. Mage is author of the book, Managing for High Performance. For more information on developing leaders, visit www.makingitwork.com.