Adult to adult

Gene Mage

Call it maturity. Call it responsibility. Call it professionalism. But whatever words you use to describe it, it all boils down to one thing. Adults make choices, take responsibility for their choices, and accept the consequences of their choices. Adults exercise free will, guided by values and principles, in pursuit of worthy aims.

As leaders, we would do well to view the people around us as adults, whether or not they behave that way. People rise to meet our expectations. Are we expecting, and encouraging, adult-to-adult behavior in the people around us, or reinforcing dependency and helplessness? Do our words and actions progressively expand the capability and responsibility of others, or perpetuate immaturity?

Unless you want to spend the rest of your career caring for an office full of dependent children, you will want to invest your time helping those around you become responsible and self-sufficient. Here are some ideas for how leaders can encourage adult-to-adult behavior at work:

Set clear expectations. Adults understand the concept of boundaries. They appreciate that there are standards to be met, promises to be kept, and rules to be followed. As a leader, engage those around you in a dialog about expectations. Help people clearly understand roles, responsibilities, and goals. Let people take responsibility for delivering their promises.
Allow people to experience the consequences of their choices. Children are rescued all the time. Little Tommy did not do his homework, so mommy writes an “excuse”. Sally drops her lollypop, so dad buys her a new one. Over time, indulgent parents violate the natural linkage between choices and consequences. Kids learn that when you make a bad choice, you do not necessarily have to experience a bad consequences. Instead of learning the reality of cause and effect, children too often conclude that there will always be a parent, teacher, social worker, or government program to rescue them from themselves.

Upon entering the workforce, some employees begin searching for a new rescuer, and you, as the boss, are candidate number one. Everybody is late sometimes. Can’t we just overlook it? Everybody misses deadlines. Was it that important? The natural consequence of coming late and missing deadlines, if those behaviors become a pattern, is losing a job. Therefore, as leaders, rather than glossing over those indiscretions, we would do well to talk “adult to adult” to the performer about the choices they have, the consequences of those choices, and then put the ball squarely in his or her court to decide whether to work within the boundaries. Look for even a small spark of responsibility within that performer and fan it into flame.
Ask for solutions. When someone comes to you with a problem, ask him or her for a solution. Workers will move heaven and earth to make their ideas work. However, when we inflict our solutions on others, we often get a lame “I told you so. I tried what you said, and it didn’t work.” Train people to exercise their problem-solving muscles.
Offer alternatives. Avoid telling people, “This is what you should do.” Instead, offer them alternatives, discuss the impacts of those alternatives, and let the performer make the choice. When you respect performers’ free will to choose, you are treating them as adults.
Create accountability. Model adult behavior by taking responsibility for your choices. If you blow it, eat crow and own up to your mistake. If you cannot meet a deadline, let people know in advance so they can take get other help. Set the tone that we are a team of people who make and keep promises to one another. If you hold yourself accountably, you earn the right to hold others accountable. That may mean some painful conversations. That may mean your team will need to learn how to confront one another with an attitude of respect, adult to adult.

For more ideas on becoming “Free to Lead” from Leadership Development Author and Speaker Gene C. Mage, visit www.makingitwork.com.